Writing Bigger Than Myself

i’ve gotta write some crap

some crap i’ve gotta write

about my life, about love

make pretend i am some guru

or some french resistance pen held loose

smoking filtered cigarettes and looking through your soul

~

truth is i’m a plain old fellow

never made too many pennies by putting on airs

but i suppose that’s got to be okay

~

but when

yes, when

did i turn into a statician

and feel pain at dwindling counts

and when did the pennies start to matter

i guess i just wanted to write something

bigger than myself

Dear Novel

DEAR NOVEL

I smile,

the last smile you will bring me:

dear Novel.

I finished your very last page

wishing it wasn’t so,

feeling lost that there is nothing further

but the back cover –

I run my finger down your spine –

nostalgic

~

We had some good times

Didn’t we?

late nights –

boring afternoons –

~

You put up with my habitual chain smoking,

with my endless interruptions and bookmarks,

to make more tea

~

And when I’d come back

You’d be there,

happy to see me –

happy I remembered you today

and you’d burst like a happy grape –

and start telling me the story

where we last left off

~

Thank you, dear Novel

on my prize shelf you now go –

Perhaps,

in time,

we shall meet again

Something Meaningful

Something Meaningful

Cover of "A Path with Heart: A Guide Thro...

Cover via Amazon

 

I try to transmit emotion and meaning through my poems, it’s also important to find meaning in the writing’s of others.  In the same way that I read many blogs and either feel an impact or not, I haven’t abandoned books — yet.

 

I like to keep my poetry gritty and cathartic.  Whatever mess is going on in my head, throughout, but mostly at the end of the day, get’s spilled out here; hence the subtitle “Poems at Midnight”.

 

When I write the darkest, deepest, and most shockingly obscene poetic vignettes before I slumber, I have better dreams at night.  Occasionally, I’d like to offer something inspirational.  There isn’t a huge demand for inspirational blogs, there are enough.  Facebook, too, is littered with photos and captions to a sickeningly optimistic level.

 

Here is an inspirational excerpt from the book A Path With Heart :

 

 ”I was called to visit a man in a San Francisco hospital by his sister.  He was in his late thirties and already rich.  He had a construction company, a sailboat, a    ranch, a town house, the works.  One day when driving along in his BMW, he blacked out.  Tests showed that he had a brain tumor, a melanoma, a rapid-growing type of cancer.  The doctor said, “We want to operate on you, but I must warn you that the tumor is in the speech and comprehension center.  If we remove the tumor, you may lose all ability to read, to write, to speak, to understand any language.  If we don’t operate, you probably have six more weeks to live.  Please consider this.  We want to operate in the morning.  Let us know by then.

 

I visited this man that evening.  He had become very quiet and reflective.  As you can imagine, he was in an extraordinary state of consciousness.  Such an awakening will sometimes come from our spiritual practice, but for him it came   through these exceptional circumstances.  When we spoke, this man did not talk about his ranch or sailboat or his money.  Where he was headed, they don’t take the currency of bank-books and BMWs.  All that is valuable in times of great change is the currency of our heart—the ability and understandings of the heart that have grown within us.

 

Twenty years before, in the late 1960s, this man had done a little Zen meditation, had read a bit of Alan Watts, and when he faced this moment, that is what he drew on and what he wanted to talk about: his spiritual life and understanding of birth and death.  After a most heartfelt conversation, he stopped to be silent for a time and reflect.  The he turned to me and said, “I’ve had enough of talking.   Maybe I’ve said too many words.  This evening it seems so precious just to have a drink of tap water or to watch the pigeons on the windowsill of the medical center fly off through the air.  I’m not finished with this life.  Maybe I’ll just live it more silently.”  So he asked to have the operation.  After fourteen hours of surgery by a fine surgeon, his sister visited him in the recovery room.  He looked up at her and said, “Good morning.”

(Kornfield, 1993, p.16-17)

 

 

 

Full Reference:

 

Kornfield, J. (1993). A path with heart: A guide through the perils and promises of spiritual life. New York, NY: Bantom Books

Dominating Ayn Rand

I made Ayn Rand wait…

~~

Until her hair grew to the dimples above her arse
And she had decoratively shaved a design into the hair on her mons

~~

And when she licked my Caucasian ooze from my smooth bare testes clean,
And let me inspect under her tongue
Then…
Only Then…

~~

Did I let her speak of Capitalism

Mozza Sticks

Brass railings
Topped burgundy benched booths
Boxed in with deeply stained grain wood dividers

– not cherry, perhaps oak
– just thank jeebus it was not pine

~~

Bradbury curled a hair
Twisting his subconscious bean
As he doodled on the cotton white cocktail napkin

~~

“I hear Heller is bringing some girls tonight” he mumbled.

Slinking a pirate sword cherry against the ice

“He ought to,” I said

“He’s so enthusiastic about the syndicate… All that everyone has a…”

“… share” Bradbury chuckled completing my thought

~~

Heller arrived alone
Rumpled like a cloth potato sack slunk into a pile at a dusty Idaho farm co-op

“Mozza sticks on me” he said cheerily

“What about the…” started Bradbury.

“They were all too tired after Natley’s whorehouse made them wash their panties this week” Heller grumbled

~~

*Sigh*

“Another writers circle…
jerk…” I bemoaned

“Yes” came a dull chorused reply

~~

At least we’ll have Mozza Sticks

This time…

Poem – I Once …



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I once knew life outside of poems


Now life — my libido


Is pent up to be poured


Ev’ry midnight


Into them


 



 


I once knew a girl outside of pictures


Real skin, warm hands


A liveliness


In her eyes


And in the heaving motion


Of the rise and fall of her chest


 


‘T is a pity


That was years ago


 



 


I once talked of dreams


Of becoming a somebody


Until


I realized I had some ‘body’


But time was running out


To use it up


 



 


I once had a friend


Who was worth more to me


Than seven billion brilliant shining stars


And now,


I have poems


At Midnight

 

Poem – Me and E.E. Writing In Our Diary at Midnight

all day long

I’m busy

singing songs

and

this

is

one

of them…

the ellipsis

is the

searching

gaze

in my eyes

searching

not for diction

but

for

meaning …

and love …

whilst i was busy

plotting turns

and spinning

wheels

the calm

came,

and said,

“this really is benign”

and i fussed

and

struggled against

the sheets

wrapped

around

my shoulders

and

ankles

and tossed

them

on to

you

imaginary

lass

of an aging

rockstar’s

dream

the answer

was to

be

found

in

neither

the instruction

to push

or

to pull

but

simply,

in

a cup

of

warm tea

Midnight Sermon 1

What is holy,
What is sacred,
Is not for men to codify

Tis God who is Holy;
He alone,
Who defines what shall be like him;
Are we all not like Him?
Is he not the great Om and Source?
Is he not the Father of all us who art orphans in a flesh and bile blood body?

And if in his divinity
He poured out the longings many,
Into our souls
Are they not holy?

For it is the posture of the Devil
Who chases away your joy with guilt
Tis he who judges without permission
And we believe!
Condemning ourselves and each other
He is the sole reason Earth is not Heaven

He seeks to steal the holiness
That is true to your soul
That resonates in every part of you
He seeks to bind you to a doubtful mind
To dull your divine vibration
To shut off the voice of the one who knows
And make you ignorant of the grander Spirit you have always been

To sin then,
Is but one thing to me:
Is to deny your divine nature
And succumb to throwing your true self away

Tis,
Denying that God
Who is most perfect
Planted all that is holy within you
Within us–
Before you, I, and the stars came to be